I am a Survivor!

You would think the time around your birthday, should be the happiest.   Not mine.  You would think that the anniversary of your child’s birth you would be happiest.  No, not me.

Thirty-two years ago, four days after my tenth birthday.  My life was altered forever.  My Mother, a healthy thirty-seven-year-old fell into a coma after having a horrific brain aneurysm.  She died a short ten days later, on April First (which happened to be my Dad’s birthday).  When I was told to pick a day for my daughter’s birth, I choose the day she fell in a coma.   I wanted to make that day a happy day, as opposed to that awful memory of that day.

I am not telling you this to make you feel bad for me.  I am telling you this because I am Survivor.   I was a baby, a child who lost their mother during a very important time of their life.  I have learned so much about myself, learned on who to trust, and who not to trust. I have matured faster than I should have.  But yet, I am still locked in time as a ten-year-old who just wants to crawl in her Mom’s lap.   But I cannot.

I have experienced many firsts, my first period, kiss, love, dance, etc. without telling, my Mom.  I had my first pregnancies, and loss, first child, first daughter, all without my Mom.   I experienced my Bat Mitzvah, Prom, Shopping for my Wedding Dress, wedding, first kick, all without my Mom.

I am a survivor.   I have surpassed my Mother when she died.  I am still here.   My oldest daughter is a year older than I was when my Mom died.   I am at a loss on how to parent her. I didn’t have a role model.  I am making it up as I go along.   But I will succeed.   I am a survivor!

I love you Mommy!   June 1946  – April 1, 1984 Momm

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